Beloved mom

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    I do not know how to start this post, at the same time as I want you to know and understand why there will be a bit of a bad update here in the near future ♥

    Last Thursday I had the worst night of my life. My mother has for several years struggled with anxiety and depression, it has been so incredibly tough for all of us children and grandchildren but we have always cared and been close. She has been on sick leave for a whole year now and Miska and I have more or less lived here with her since then.

    Mom has had a better period for almost 3 months now, when she had a setback on Tuesday. That night Miska and I slept there as usual, and in the morning she seemed happy and like herself. The last thing I told her before we went to work was that we were so hot at night that I woke up and put the mosquito net in the window. The mosquito net that my mother made herself from a wooden frame and beer advertisement from Spendrups, which you are so used to seeing that you do not even reflect on the fact that everyone who passes by sees a large red villa with flowers and a flowering garden - and a large beer- picture in the window. No wonder you take what you have. I did not know if I had attached the mosquito net correctly and I told her to take a look at it later so that it does not blow away or reach "jaa you should not have to have any spiders in the room when you get homeShe replied. And that was the last thing she said to me.

    The night after we slept in Uppsala.

    But on the Thursday after work, Miska and I went home with a pizza so that my mother would have something to eat. But it was too late. Mother's body could no longer fight. Finding her is a memory image and a shock that will never disappear from my retina.

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    Beloved mother ♥


    Here is a picture from one of my mother's last days in life, the whole picture screams mother ♥ The Moomin cup she received as a gift and always drank from, the ice cream she bought several cartons of because it was so good AND cheap, only 22.90 for six pieces, we teased (heartily) with her so much because she talked in such detail about those ice creams. And we got to eat as many as we wanted. And a four-leaf clover, mother always looked for four-leaf clover - and found! She kept the count and found so extremely many just this summer, one day there were 35! She has probably found over 100 in total just this summer, and another barely found a single one when they tried.

    I miss her so much… I have not left the house since we came here, trying to process everything, and just about every thing reminds me of mom. Half a can of beer in the cellar, the soap that soon ran out and that she filled with so much water to get the last out that it is kind of water with the smell of soap, which I pecked at her last weekend ”a little water is enough to get the last one out, you do not have to fill up half the bottle and wash your hands with scented water for a month”. Her unwashed Moomin cup on the sink, the breathing medicine next to her computer in the living room, the reading glasses next to the stove, all her flowers and plants that she has grown so much that they soon spill out of the pots, her (and mine and Miska's) freshly washed clothes that she hung to dry, the mosquito net in my room ..

    And so many memories.

    We are a big family and I am so lucky to have so many around me who care, we cry together, talk about memories and joke about my mother's all the nonsense and what she would say if she saw us now. I was incredibly close to my mother and it is impossible to describe the pain in my chest that I have now, but I know that she is better now. She has fought so much for so long ♥

    Mom has been writing diaries and notes for the past year that I am going through now to get even more understanding, very hard at the same time as it feels so nice to be able to share her own thoughts. Everything from the pride of days she has managed to fight and feel happy, about the care that disappoints her time and time again and about all the time we have been there "Helena and Miska have made taco gratin" "Told Helena about… .." and how grateful she is been beyond our patience.

    It has been nice to be able to write a little, and above all nice that you know now. It was so hard to sit there on the balcony floor, when Miska just called 112 and explained that it had been so long that there was nothing to do, and knew that No another knows yet. But now most people know, even you, and it feels very nice.

    We'll see when we hear again.

    Thank you for all of you ♥

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    Helena Amiley
    I write mostly about beauty but also offer glimpses from the entrepreneurial life and the construction of our own camper van. Vanlife here we come!


    1. Several, several times I have gone in and read your heavy posts. Even though I only know you through your blog, I'm sure my picture of you is correct; a wonderful girl with both trams and fun as well as a nice depth. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. To have a mentally ill relative, I know what it's like - powerless .. You did everything you could and more! Do what you feel for in the future, for a while at a time it will move forward, put yourself first. Take care of yourself as best you can! Do not forget to try to rest and eat. What luck that you have such nice people around you, especially your nice partner! Hug!!

    2. Really sorry for your loss! 😢 So incredibly strong and nicely written by you. I'm sure your mother is around you forever and she's proud of you all. So nice of you and your boyfriend to be with her so much her last time. Take the time you need in your grief! Megastyrkekram 💕💛💕💛💕

    3. Oh Helena how sorry I am to hear! When I was with you, she came outside your big nice windows in the salon. You waved and smiled. You introduced her when she came in. Energetic and happy. And so like you.
      He's with you. Always. Like a wind like the blacksmith your cheek. A butterfly fluttering past. A bird outside the window. She's happy with you. Supports and is there. Whenever you need her. Life is so countless fragile. And I understand how close you have been. How wonderful you experienced together.
      When I was with you, you had just celebrated Easter. Hidden a lot of Easter eggs - do you remember that you told about it and all the good you ate? Wonderful memories <3 If you only knew how much you did for me! Hug finest Helena <3

      • Hi Anneli <3 Oh yes I remember, mom thought you looked so nice. She had come home from a treatment home just a few days earlier, and was in Uppsala to see a psychologist that day. I am so grateful for your kind words and that you took the time to write to me, thank you! <3

        • Helena, I understand you so well in your grief and loss !! I lost my beloved little sister when she was only 37 years old. She left husband and children, 6 and 9 years old. 7 months before, I lost my father, who never had time to retire. They often come to me, both 2, as angels. It's important to be sensitive, and I'm sure you are. Fina Helena <3 See you in July. Storm warm hug !!

    4. Sorry for the grief… you do not know me but Ann-Louise and I have been like half siblings her father and my mother have been married. Have so many great fun memories of her and all your sisters when they were little. Unfortunately, we came apart before you were born. So awful to read really suffer with all of you now but glad you have each other…. Hug to you all… ..Gitte

    5. My God, I'm so sorry, I'm crying as I write this. It's hard enough to lose a mother, and doing it the way you did is awful. Really sorry, thinking of you and sending hugs of strength.

    6. Sorry for the grief!
      Each grief is individual and unique. Still, I can have some understanding of what you are going through. Two years ago, my dad decided to end his life, he could not fight with everything that was spinning in his head. This time he managed but he is still struggling with his mental state. To those close to us, we had no idea how he felt, he kept it deep and hidden from himself. Although I am grateful that the doctors saved his life, it is still difficult as I now see how his condition and well-being go up and down every day.
      Thank you for sharing your story. Strong of you. For my part, I have not found a way to talk about my experience, but I find comfort in your story that I am not the only one who is involved in this. Many thanks!
      All love and warmth to you and your loved ones <3

      • Thank you for your support, it warms <3 And at the same time spreading comfort to others who are having a hard time feels great too. If you need to talk to someone (who is not close and involved) then just send me an email. It is important not to close things inside. Many hugs <3

    7. This was really sad, I'm sorry for what happened. Still, you are strong enough to write this nice thing about your mother and that is the only right thing to do. Trying to get everything you feel and think about all the good things about your mother. You have to talk, talk and talk and then you cry a little in between but then you also laugh. Ate all the good memories and crazy things that you did together and little things that you could tease about. You should not think about all the sad and boring but it comes up anyway and then it is important to talk about it as well. Be happy that you have a big family o Miscka, it means a lot now and there are only those with whom you can share your memories who understand the whole situation. It's so incredibly sad when your parents leave you far too early in life and you do not know how to move on, but you do it in a strange, strange way anyway. Be afraid of each other, because you are the most important thing left.
      Thoughts and hugs Camilla in Skåne

    8. So sad to read about your loss dear Helena, even though I know neither you nor your mother, it touched me deeply to read about your beloved mother. I admire you for your courage and your strength to go out with this in public and hope that you can go through this crisis and still be the wonderful, playful girl that you seem to be. I myself have a parent who has felt mentally ill for many years and recognized me in much of what you wrote. Understand that you have a tough time both in front of and behind you, but nice to hear that you in the family are there for each other and can both cry and laugh together, continue to stick together and you will get through this. Hugs of strength to you

      • Mental illness is so common, and really tough both for the person suffering from it and all the relatives around. Hope your parent is feeling better now, and you too <3 Thank you very much for your comment!

    9. I really regret your loss. Take care. Grieve and let remember the beautiful memories you have of your days together. Let her sparkle forever in Your hearts. 🌟

    10. It is never possible to prepare for the end no matter what it looks like. The grief you carry with you for the rest of your life, but it becomes more bearable with the years. Eventually you can think of the loved ones who have left us and smile at the memories you have of them. Sends hugs of strength <3

    11. It was sad to hear, I'm so sorry! You really seem to have been there for her, and together you have all been strong. You are still strong, and will get through this. She will always be with you in your hearts, and appreciate everything you have done for her. I'm really sorry, and send lots of hugs to you all. ❤

    12. Fine fine you, am so very sorry for you. ♡ There are no words that help but at least live with the knowledge that there is nothing you could have done differently. My mother was also ill with depression for many years and there is nothing you can do more than be there and that was you. Hug

      • Yes, you are powerless as a relative in such a situation, unfortunately, we have tested everything and it still did not work. Nice to hear it from others who have been through the same situation. Thanks! <3

    13. Hug! 💕 Difficult with words, but feels both sadness and confidence in how you write. For me, it gave comfort to know the nuclear industry dad is fine where he is now - after his heart attack. And that his last days had been filled with life ..

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